December 23, 2011

This is life.

For her, now it is all about herself. Want to know why? No? Still, here it is : 

When you are kids you are carefree, you interact with everyone, play with everyone. You don't worry, think or judge anyone. 

She wanted to be the same, but she was different as different as every individual is from each other. She couldn't say things 'coz that would make people happy. She knew her mind and could never speak or do things just because that would please anyone. This way, she was always herself, no gang would take her in. Everyone wanted to be the part of the popular gang, she wanted to as well but never could, since she was too rigid to change herself and be what everyone wanted her to be. No one ever came to know her playful, chirpy, chatterbox, lively side because she hid herself in her closet. Her family was her only support till the point she adhered to whatever they said. Everyone around her was good, great, awesome but only till the time she would do what they wanted and be what they wanted. Her shell was her only solace, books were her best friends. She started writing, but was afraid to expose her soul to pages; what if some one found out? What if they don't like it? What if they shun her? 

12 years of school, sometimes sitting alone on a bench, having lunch alone, being with self on school picnics, walking to school and back alone, studying alone made her love herself more. She became loner as well as independent at a very early age. When everyone learns sharing, caring, understanding, groups, friendship, love , hate, crushes, feelings, being together, being for each other; she learnt to be there for herself, discovered her love for books, be two faced, be a different person outside and a different one inside, staying away from people, being out of their way, finding solace in her own company so much so that she learnt how to be with anyone other than herself. 

School time passed, college was here.

The first day, she decided she will be what everyone wants her to be. She was hungry for acceptance and friendship. She wanted to belong to a group. She wanted to be accepted. It didn't happen for a week. She stopped speaking her mind, said what everyone wanted to hear, became the person that everyone wanted to be with. She listened to their problems, laughed in their joy, celebrated their special occasions, became a people's person but even when she was in the group, she was alone. Very alone. She could not speak her mind with anyone. She couldn't be herself with anyone. She ignored that feeling and continued being what everyone wanted her to be. She did everything to please all. Completed homeworks, consoled during breakups, threw surprise birthday parties, helped them with studies, hugged them when they were low, made them smile but she was alone when she needed them. Always. Then, she fell in love which made her life a bigger hell.

College time passed and she was still the same. Always surrounded by crowd but forever alone. She was there for all, always but people were there for her only till the time she did what they wanted her to, be the way they wanted her to. 
Then she went through 2 experiences that shook her... completely...

She developed a crush on her best friend and her best friends shunned her. She was a diseased creature for them. When she needed understanding, guidance, handle with care she was shunned, treated as untouchable, left alone and was made fun of. She was alone. Yes, the girl with many friends was alone, as always alone.

She was embroiled in college politics, was under pressure of university exams, was facing family's anger in response to her rebelling to do her majors and was alone fighting against all. No one was there for her. No one. Not the ones whose special moments she celebrated, or the ones whose tears she had wiped or the ones whom she helped or the ones for whom she stood by during their thick or thin. No one was there. She was alone. Yes, the girl with many friends was alone, as always alone. 

Why should she think about others when no is bothered about her? Why should she learn to care about others when no one ever cared for her? She was alone, is and will always be. These problems and experiences would maybe menial for everyone but for her they were not. She went back to her inner core self. She stopped bothering about people, why should she bother in first place? She is thick skinned now. She never shows that she is hurt by your off hand comments. She cries alone but will never let you know that she is hurt. She shows she is a big chatterbox, smiles a lot, talks a lot, is always interacting but did you ever notice who really knows about her? No one. No one except a few. She keeps a safe hand distance away from all. She keeps the right to hurt her only with herself.
Then she met him. She is still wondering what was about him that she opened her heart and said everything. He was her closest friend in span of weeks. She shared everything with him, everything. Ideally, she shouldn't have done that, she should have listened to him as well but she didn't. She never payed attention to that. How would she, here she meets a friend with whom she could about everything that she wanted to, she had loads to catch up, she had been forever alone and now she wasn't anymore. There was so much to tell, but she forgot maybe he would also have much more to tell her. Yes, she made a mistake.

She was not there when he needed her.She didn't know what to do to just be with someone, show your support. He did feel she did not care. Sorry, but she did. She was worried and shit scared for him. The girl who hardly prays, religiously prayed for his family. She was scared to call or meet him lest he would think that she is not leaving him alone to solve his problems, so she did what she knows the best. She stayed away. It was her biggest mistake. 

She shouldn't have, she should have been there, supported, cared, conversed but she didn't. She was not being selfish, she was not lost in her own world, she was just trying to help in the way she knew. That doesn't mean she didn't care. Though well, there is no proof. Her way of helping was different. She was wrong but she didn't knew that. She was the one to blame but her actions were not malicious or intentional. Result, like every other friend he got tired, she didn't prove her friendship. She wasn't there. She did not do anything for him. Why should she get the privilege of his friendship? She is not worth it. He left. 

For the first time in her life, she pleaded someone to stay back and not leave her. She was wrong again. It was his choice to be her friend but it was her choice to make him special friend. Understanding her was his choice but giving him the right to hurt her was her choice. He wanted everything that she wanted then why didn't she pay attention and if she didn't and he was a true friend why did he leave? He should have punished her but not left her. 

Questions unanswered but lessons learnt. She was good alone. She is an expert in hurting people. In that case, better stay alone. She has never cut relations with anyone not even when she got nothing from them. It was not her nature but she forgot that it is not every one's nature. 

She was a criminal but burning bridges was a punishment too big. 

Yes, it is all about herself because it has hardly ever been about herself. She has always been there for others without anyone being there for her. If he would not or friends would not teach her, who would? There is no excuse that she is giving to cover her mistake. She made a mistake, a big one but he made a bigger one. He needed her when he was alone and struggling for a few days. The struggle was big but in her case, this loneliness and struggle is there every day. She has her small group of gems and she lost one of them. So what she doesn't know how to show, if he was a true friend he would never doubt that she cared. She was wrong and she lost, but he did equally. 

But, this is life....


3 comments:

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