September 04, 2014

THE FOURTH

It was a usual day till I glanced at the date. And then it became a nightmare. As if the date came with a license of opening floodgates for that which I thought was out of my system. From being just another Thursday, it became a date that I didn't want to remember. That which I wanted to flush out of my mind, forever. 

There is an interesting client meeting. Very confident of tiding over this realization, I go for it. And it worked. Work does that to me because thankfully I love my job. New city, new people, new work, new life; then why did the date come back again in my mind with my old baggage the moment I step out of the meeting? Moments pour in my head. Glimpses of past fly by my eyes and nothing I do wipes them away. My new life has no place for the old. It is a new slate. And I don't want scratches from the past. Furious with myself, I grab a large strong coffee thinking that maybe coffee rush will drive the thoughts away. But it reminds of another coffee that I had in some place in my past. 

A coffee and a sugar rush on an empty stomach later, I am still in the same place. Some edits take my mind off on another tangent. Thank God for it. But my playlist was not on my side. It throws songs at me that I have consciously stayed away for the last four months. No courage to delete. No courage to let them be. Why now? Why me? Why? 

When I drown myself in work, nothing touches my mind but the moment I take a break, it all comes pouring in. The excitement, joy, thrill, warmth, doubts, frustration, helplessness, hurt, shock, and break down. Everything floats back in the mind. A bad headache, a quesy stomach, and a mild fever later I am done with my work hours. Now, I have no escape. Nothing to drive these thoughts away.

Do I grab my bottle of Nutella and sappy movies to cry this disease out of my system or do I speak with them who I love and face this unease? I try to chose the former but I am too determined to do the latter. And I do the later.Thirty minutes of talking to them who love you the most can do wonders that no magic can. Tears that were shed got wiped. Smiles returned along with warmth and any thoughts about the date flew out of my mind. 

Like every day, today came with its share of  realizations. I am no longer that person who would cross oceans for someone who doesn't want to cross a puddle in return. Also, we are who we chose to be. And it is my choice to do that which will take me forward as my past has no place in my present. And this is my happy reality. So dear date, screw you. 

~ Sneha

1 comment:

  1. Nice one. Some experiences are better and some are even bitter. We are just a puppet in their hand. Well written. Thank u for the share.

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