June 01, 2013

Life | Losses and gains


I wonder why do we never have stability in our lives? There are always some crests and falls along the way. Like it is a sin to live in a straight line, going peacefully from Point A to Point B. Neutral space always manages to evade us as if we are some creepy untouchables. For once, I would like life to stand still and get absorbed in the vaccum of tranquility. It is too much to ride high on euphoria one day and hit the rock bottom on another. Though euphoria has its charm. Irresistible charm. It is like a drug that you never want to give up. While rock bottom moments work like a knife through the heart. Cold, chilling and cruel. 

Indeed it was chilling and cruel when I lost my mobile last weekend. Sad but true, it was partly my mistake. I know I should have been more careful. Instead of consoling, this realization makes everything harder for me. Right after the loss, I was in a neutral zone. C'mon it is just a gadget that was with me for 2 years now. It really doesn't matter that it was the first big thing I bought with my salary. Call me girly, woman or plain emotional fool but it matters. It is a loss that gave me a lesson. Even one slip is not forgivable sometimes. Also, no matter how careful you are, life has its ways to show you who is the boss! And there is something about lessons. They find a way to worm in our lives.

While talking to BR the other day, I realized how far we have come. From forcing to make things work between us to realizing that we are amazing as friends. It is like the rats finally got their cheese out of the rat trap. It is difficult but I know we are going to be great friends. It is an alien territory for both of us but for once we will explore it and make the best out of it. I had never thought that would have been possible. Could I ever discuss his girl with him and specially if that girl is not me? Will the understanding change between us? I used loved the way he made me feel like I was the only one in this world. The most special one. Would I be comfortable seeing him shower all his attention to another girl, in fact encourage him to? Would I be able to cope up with the loss of his love even when I know I don't feel the same for him? Some months back, I used to hate the pinch that came along with these questions but now it is okay. Other than feeling a bit weird about the whole situation, I guess we are fine. The skeletons are out of the cupboard and free to go their way. I might end up being frail old and alone with cats and dogs sniffing my feet but I will have a friend who will be always there for me. Likewise for him.

While I gained a friend, I lost peace somewhere else. Generation gap can be super jack in the ass. You might be wanting something and they, something else and these opposite ends of the same magnet can never meet. The person who said that freedom comes at a price was not wrong. Most of the times, the ropes binding you from freedom are inside your mind rather than being outside.To cut these ropes is easy said than done. So much so that you wish the ropes were binding you from outside. As JBird says, " Sad but true, we are raised to give a fuck. Had it been otherwise, it would have been easy to not give a fuck and do what we think is right." You wish you were understood more than loved. And if you are loved, then that love is expressed in the form of understanding. The dream of making them proud and yet living your life your way at the same time is an impossible one. Everyday, I try to make this dream a reality and everyday I end up losing more peace.

Though it does manage to come to me. Days don't go off the track now-a-days just when I receive a message from VVIP. I can function without being distracted. I feel like I am slowly freeing myself from the bond that existed only in my mind. Trust me, this feeling is mixed yet euphoric. The fight still rages in mind but slowly I am accepting it. Somethings cannot be killed or uprooted completely but can definitely be dimmed to an extent that you stop noticing the flicker eventually. After all killing hope is not easy, you got to be one bad ass mean cruel monster.

This last fortnight has been really curvy. Work is going well and thankfully is not the only thing in life. Got to know of some of my flaws (BR says there is a huge list! Need to meet him and get the whole list out!) and for a change I did not go defensive about them. There are somethings I can not change about myself. They define me but there are many that I can work on. Call me too optimistic and ideal but I want to work on improving them. And last but not the least, blog got featured in the Directory of the Best Indian Blogs 12-13. Appreciation always feel good, doesn't it? And a lot better when you accept that you deserve it.


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