I pride myself to be a detached person. Over the years, I seem to have mastered the art of hiding things. Also, showing that things about close ones don't bother me. I have been formal with friends, made mistakes when it comes to matters of heart even kept myself away from people so the connection doesn't run deep and strong. If that is not enough, I have taken things seriously that were best left to be taken lightly and ignored things that were serious. I don't know why but I hate strong connections. Maybe it is because they bind and I hate being tied. It is easy that way as it is always easy to hide behind a mask. You think no one can see you because of the mask.
People see me as an outgoing person. Yes, I am one. I can't stop chattering once I start. It is easy for me to make friends. I think that is because I am of the opinion that I am easily replaceable. Nope, I am not a sad girl. I am happy. My life is going good enough though it is now become a routine. I am a realist but sometime I believe that if I just close my eyes, everything will be alright. My family sees me as an open book. They think that I need to really work hard to hide things from them. However, that is not completely true even as it is not completely false.
My problem is that I hate to be weak. Or to be seen as weak. I don't like pity or sympathy or even empathy. I don't like to make mistakes. I get super defensive. And I am possessive. I hate these things about me and I don't want the world to see them. I did rather show that nothing affects me when in reality, situation is completely opposite. Everything affects me.
But something happened.
He left us. And that shook me to my core. We knew it was his time and he is going to a better place. I, who prided to be unaffected, who thought nothing can bother her, broke down. His absence bothers me. The loss of love bothers me. That made me see myself in a different light. Everything affects me. My family is my world. I thought I would get back to normal the next day. I was sure I will. How wrong I was.
Love for your family, friend, him, her, or anyone, doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong. It shows that you are strong enough to look beyond yourself and give importance to others. That you are not the center of your world. You don't want anyone to see you as weak because you are indeed weak. You fear their judgement. Though he never judged me.
He loved me for what I was. Good, bad, stubborn, headstrong, willful, but his granddaughter. It is not that he made me realize this but his loss made me think. I love so many people. Though I have never explicitly said anything to them. I like so many people and so many others have an important place in my life. I need to be vocal. It isn't easy but then nothing is. As usual in my turmoil, I sought my mum. I thought I would speak with her and the storm in my mind will halt. It was then I realized something. My mum, who is looking so calm and controlled is in fact feeling just the opposite.She is running on an auto pilot. Like, she has closed doors to reality. So are my uncles. In my loss, I didn't see through their pain. What was my loss in front of them?
They have just lost their father.
Loss sets so many perspective straight. It is such a cliche line. Though one has to go through the situation to believe otherwise. I know it is not easy but speak up. Tell the people who matter the most to you how you feel about them. It is difficult to look beyond yourself and think about others but do try doing that. They are valuable to you. Make them feel that. If in this process you look like a weakling, it is okay.
Everything is okay.