December 14, 2009

Till then….

Throughout my life I’ve been in Co-Ed,with more guys as friends than girls. Our discussions used to be joking about professors, what game are they going to play today, what is their latest CS score, where are they going to roam in night next, which model of bike they bought or are fantasizing to buy, which new game have they bought…so being in girls college has been a new experience for me.

Now the discussions surrounding me are more or less about who is single or committed, what is the reason of miss super dumb’s breakup, miss deadpan is all decked up today-m sure she is meeting her bf today, don't forget to wish miss sobster today..its her 3rd month anniversary, miss sharp eyes went to the-hottest-and-most-happening-nightclub-yesterday (apart from in fashion,her eek style and sense of fashion, bags, shoes, diet etc..). Someone is is planning how to make her next date special while some else is deciding what to wear on so-so-is my-special-day–with-him; someone is squealing in delight due to fresh shower of attention from better half while someone else is sobbing quietly because of the latest fight.

The atmosphere here is so pro-relationship that singles like me might have felt left out at one time or other.Relationships are the epicenter of life is what is projected more often. I am not saying these are the only activities that are on..I am pointing out that these are the major highlights!! (there are some like me for whom there is more to life than these..) .

Its been one and half year but I still marvel at many things..moreover now I have started paying more attention many things…for example: Relationships …their importance…their relation to importance,acceptance and happiness.

It is believed that Relationships are like trophies and bf,fiancĂ© are like big fat pay cheques. The girl/boy at my age,without a better half is boring, bound to have some problem, lonely, sad, and out of place. It is the most delicious discussion as to why is she/he not committed!! (S)he might be control freak, Hitler's second cousin, fat, ugly, bad dressing sense, outspoken, blunt, or boring…although these are not on-your-face discussions,they are hush-hush and implied ones; and believe me I have observed this not only in my college but everywhere where you have people coming together and talking to each other. Be it parties, get-together,old friends catching up, office, movie outings to name a few.

Relationship is so important that people are scared of breaking free of abusive, emotional atyachar, non-existent relationships. They are together so that they are not outcast. They feel it is necessary and important like ‘water’ you drink. It is conformity, acceptance, proof that you are human, status symbol, evidence of being wanted. People would term shortcomings of their relations as compromises, adjustments or acclimatization. They would term difference as process of understanding, fight as expression of love and emotional punishments like taunts, absence of conversation as game of tease!! They fear absence of relationship. They fear about starting all over again…I have invested so much time, energy on this relation, I should be getting Return on Investment and not breakup. How would I handle trying to start again..how will I find someone again..I would be alone,companionless, unloved, unpampered, odd among crowd be it parties, outings or discos. People don't pay attention on the love that they shared, precious moments spend together. They find ways of sticking together due to fear of insecurity.Fear of  breakup for loss of genuine love is rare. It is more for the vacuum it creates, efforts required later, hurt to ego …

I have been there …done all that I am accounting here. I tried getting into relationship to seek acceptance. I also tried seeking security where there was none. But I got tired of the emotional pressure. I got tired of the set decorum, over the wall expectations, false accusations, and unaccounted guilt. It was a burden than being something that I would look forward to. People love but not all get the companionship and reciprocation of their love. So they search it else where. Some find it else where …some don’t …. those who find out else where find peace,contentment and happiness that adds up to their life and liveliness;those  who don't find go on repeating of being in and out of mindless relationships….Singledom is nothing to be sad about…it is your life’s remote control in your hands, your happiness in your hands, accountability of your actions in your hands…it isn't being lonely, it has its own fun….

Relationship is one among other important things in life but it is not the only important thing….there are joys beyond it.It is extension of singledom and not destruction of singledom. It is acceptance, happiness ,contentment from within than from outside.It doesn't result in happy life but just adds on to it. I agree there is nothing like happy-ever-after…..it does take efforts and compromises but its relation when these compromises and efforts don't seem like one; when these compromises and efforts give both in relationship happiness and not just one.

I am sure it is heart’s heartfelt quest to find that extension….and one surely meets the Mr. /Miss Right….I am sure when I am really ready even I will meet that extension. I pray I would forget and erase the past and write on a new slate…

Till then… Search is on…

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