March 13, 2011

On her own



There she was, sitting at her usual place,staring at her blank canvas. Slowly she picks up her brush and tries to paint her turmoil, tries to transfer every thought that is there in her mind on the canvas. Tears were streaming down her face but she didn't wipe them off. She was at her lowest point. There was no door open for her. They said she was good, very good but not good enough for them. Her style of painting, her love for charcoal wasn't what they were looking for.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been

Who I am , Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone,
Out here on my own


While she is trying to get the right shade, she wonders what was wrong with her style of painting. There were people who painted lanscapes, abstracts or portraits using colors or charcoal. She used them both; together on one canvas carving out a splendid vision or a dream which no one could take their eyes off. Every stroke brought back memories of struggle. Struggle to pursue her dream. Her art was all that she had, all that she knew yet she had to toil hard to pursue it, to make him understand that she was incomplete without her art. He never understood her paintings, even when they were reflections of her soul. For him, it was just a waste of her time, waste of her brillance. Year after year, she would try to take a step towards her art, towards herself and that would unfortunately be a step away from him. 

We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far , And shine me home
Out here on my own


At her lowest, she pined for him. She aspired to be accepted. Her ambition was success. To her, success was joy, freedom, friendship and love. His rejection was failed attempt at success for her. All she wanted was him to accept her as she was, with all her short comings, negatives, plus points and most importantly her art. She wished he would not follow the crowd and understand her vision. Her work was way ahead of her times but was incomplete without him. She didn't desire expensive gifts from him. She never wanted him to throw huge parties for her. She didn't aspire exotic holidays away from paparazzi. All she wanted was him to stand up with her. Support her in her lows, have confidence in her and hold her hand even when the world was against her and them.
 When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you


Till the time she was painting what her curator, her fans and her sponsors liked she was star for them. Accolades were showered on her. She was the national pride! No one ever bothered to ask her whether she was happy with what she was doing. Whether she enjoyed or whether she was frustrated with the routine. She never wanted to follow the crowd, she always wanted to do her own thing, but she was told to keep quiet and do what the crowd wanted her to do. They said fame comes with a price and she was paying that price by trying to smile even when her life was hell, even when she hated what she painted, even when she dreaded picking up the brush..
 Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears , I've never shown
Out here on my own


She didn't want to live in that hell anymore. She never aspired loads of money. All she wanted was his love, and her art. All she wanted was a simple life surrounded by love and having dreams with wings.

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you


She is still staring at her canvas. Her brush and charcoal have somehow managed to paint the picture of her mind. The turmoil has been carved on the canvas but it is still creating havoc in her mind, tears are still streaming down her eyes. She thought she had achieved her dream but right now that is far from truth. Right now, she is wondering what was really her dream...



Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am , Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own


(The above post is inspired from the song "On my Own" from the movie Fame , 2009 )


To be contd....

Photo Credits : Here

7 comments:

  1. Some outstanding writings here. Will be revisiting to get more of this. Great going.

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  2. I really loved this sentence, "While she is trying to get the right shade, she wonders what was wrong with her style of painting."

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  3. @Rajesh : Thanks a lott :)

    @Allthatmatterstous: :)

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  4. Hey, Hi
    you have me hooked!! dont keep us waiting for long....
    will put up my final comment on the last piece of this thread...till then, i wait.

    Regards,
    The Silhoutte...

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  5. really loved reading it.Sometimes I wonder where I've been
    Who I am , Do I fit in
    I may not win
    But I can't be thrown
    Out here on my own
    On my own" it was omg.. just look alike as i was reading my own story. so natural ... waiting for the next part eagerly

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  6. i can relate to this piece in ways more than one...

    loved your style of writing!!

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  7. @Eon : :) thanks :)

    @some unspoken words: those lines are from the song :on her own" from the movie Fame. thanks the second part will be out soon :)

    @pri : thanks a lot dear

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Thank you so much for dropping by! It is always nice to hear from you :)